"Americans,
who make more of marrying for love than any other people, also
break up more of their marriages, but the figure reflects not
so much the failure of love as the determination not to live
without it." -Morton Hunt
My
friend Andrea is a popular college instructor of human relations,
and a relationship counselor. She has also been married four
times, and divorced three. At a party we both attended, I overheard
one of Andrea's former students ask her, "How can you pass yourself
off as a relationship expert when you are a four-time loser?" Andrea
responded coolly, "I don't see myself as a four-time loser; I
consider myself a four-time learner.
Although
those marriages didn't endure, I gained valuable lessons that
helped me bring more depth and presence to the relationships
that followed, and ultimately contributed to the successful marriage
I now have." If you feel like a loser because your marriage or
relationship has ended, re-identify yourself as a learner. If
you are wiser for your experience, it was a success. Rather than
criticizing yourself for your shortcomings, honor yourself for
the courage to grow through experience.
As
evolving beings, we discover what works by evaluating the results
of what didn't work; we grow as much (usually more) through our
errors as we do through our successes. Like a child learning
to ride a bicycle, the information we gain from falling is just
as valuable as the feedback we get from staying balanced. Every
attempt, whether a "success" or "failure", ultimately contributes
to our skill. Seen in this way, we are always progressing toward
our goal.
One
of the most difficult and painful questions to answer is, "Why
did your relationship fail?" When faced with such an inquiry,
remember that ending is not the same as failure. Your relationship
would be a failure only if you did not learn from it. If you
gained insight, self-awareness, or strength, and you would choose
more wisely next time, you are significantly ahead of where you
began. Begin to reframe your past relationships as successful
learning experiences.
We
form new relationships according to the way we think about our
old ones. If you dwell on your past failures, you will manufacture
new ones. Focus on what you gained from past relationships, and
you will build a foundation for success in your new ones.
Here
are some criteria by which losers are distinguished from learners:
Loser Denies
sense of sorrow, grief, or loss
Blames partner for failure.
Criticizes self for failure
Plunges into self-pity
Forms judgments about opposite sex
Seeks agreement from "allies" to bolster victim position
Turns to favored addiction to numb pain
Seeks new relationship immediately to offset sense of loss
Revels in ex-partner's pain or guilt
Seeks to punish ex-partner
Seeks retribution
Learner Acknowledges
pain without indulging it
Inventories own actions
Honors self for willingness to learn
Explores self-awareness
Gathers information to ensure future success
Turns to friends for support to keep mind and heart open
Turns to Higher Power to grow beyond pain
Takes time to get reacquainted with self and integrate experience
Delights in ex-partner's well-being
Offers kindness and support to ex-partner
Lets go and gets on with life
BEYOND
KEN AND BARBIE
Many "model" couples
live picture-perfect marriages with fine homes in the suburbs,
well-paying jobs, several expensive automobiles, and bright children
who make the honor roll. Behind the scenes, however, many such
marriages are devoid of intimacy, communication, and growth.
In my seminars, I have heard a significant number of divorced
men and women confess, "We looked great on the outside, but I
was dying on the inside". Just because a couple fulfills societal
expectations for a model marriage, it doesn't mean that they
are achieving their deeper purpose of growing as individuals.
Someone
who becomes stronger and more self-aware through a painful divorce,
by contrast, accomplishes more for his or her spiritual growth
than one who sleepwalks through a lifeless marriage. Do not be
deceived by appearances, and do not allow yourself to fall prey
to the belief that you are here to live up to the expectations
of others. Your life is valuable not for how it looks, but for
what is happening in your heart and soul. If a relationship falls
apart in the outer world, but you extract personal growth from
it, you are succeeding in a far more meaningful way than one
who amasses the symbols of success but fails to recognize his
or her own inner worth.
The
only true measure of success, we eventually discover, is happiness.
After my book "The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Anymore" was published,
I received a telephone call from a nun inviting me to present
a seminar to the Catholic ministry for the divorced and separated.
Sister Alice explained that many Catholics felt angry and guilty
about their crashed marriages, and then she asked me what I titled
my workshop. Laughing, I told her, "I usually call it 'The Dragon
Doesn't Live Here Anymore', but in this case I think we should
use another title."
I
found that the greatest need of the participants in the divorced
and separated ministry was self-forgiveness. While these people
struggled with tremendous pain and grief in the wake of their
broken relationships, they shouldered the added burden of condemnation
from the church, which defined them as sinners for ending their
marriages. Their lives were difficult enough, I surmised, without
having to bear the stigma of excommunication. These folks did
not need to worry about going to hell - they were already there!
The
divorced women and men in this group demonstrated great courage
in leaving their marriages in the face of the ecclesiastical
judgment they faced. They needed to find compassion for themselves
and forgiveness for their mates. I honored the church for establishing
a ministry to support this segment of their parishioners. In
the long run, these people grew a great deal from facing and
overcoming their fears, and they gained strength that they may
not have found if they had remained in barren marriages.
BROKEN
OPEN
If
you have been closed or armored, a painful breakup can lead you
to rediscover yourself and open to a depth of aliveness you might
never have known if you had just coasted along in your comfort
zone. If your heart has been broken, let it be broken open.
Opportunities
Bestowed by a Broken Heart
Get
in touch with your feelings
Reach out for support.
Appreciate the love of friends
Gain insight into the patterns that have run your life
Tell more truth about who you are and what you want
Claim your power to establish your own destiny
Express creativity (poetry, music, art, original expression)
Discover and develop a relationship with your spiritual source
Deepen in compassion
Make changes in your life that you might not have otherwise made
Learn how to find richer rewards in your next relationship
The
voice of shaky love tells you that your relationship ending has
ruined your life, while Big Love whispers that you now have more
life available to you. The road through hell leads to the door
of heaven. So your breakup merits not bitterness or resentment,
but gratitude and appreciation.
Popular
singer Kenny Loggins went through a major crisis when his marriage
ended. As he searched his soul to discover his truth and explain
his divorce to his children, he found within himself a deeper
strength and love. This process moved him so profoundly that
he wrote many passionate and heartfelt songs about his insights,
and collected them into an album called Leap of Faith, which
went on to become one of his most successful productions. Many
listeners remark that the honesty and vulnerability Kenny displayed
in these songs helped them through similarly challenging times.
(Since that time, Kenny has remarried, and he and his new wife
Julia have intimately chronicled their love and marriage in a
most inspiring book and album, The Unimaginable Life.)
Similarly,
when Native American descendant William Least Heat-Moon lost
his job and his wife left him, he plunged into deep introspection.
In the process of attempting to rebuild his broken life, William
recalled his dream to explore the country. Free and unencumbered,
he bought a Volkswagen van and sat down to plan his route. As
he surveyed the map, William noticed that the major thoroughfares
were indicated with thick red lines, while the smaller byways
and country roads were marked by thinner blue lines. William
realized that he wanted an adventure, and decided to travel the
side roads. On his trek, he interacted with fascinating people,
received many insights he would never have discovered in his
old routine, and reconnected with his Native American heritage.
After
his two-year odyssey, William had filled his journal with a wealth
of colorful stories, and he had them published. Blue Highways
went on to become a national bestseller, and William Least Heat-Moon
was catapulted into an entirely more meaningful world. Although
he could not see the plan in the midst of his hardship, his breakup
launched him into the life he had always dreamed of.
THE
FAST-FORWARD AGE
We
are living in a time of accelerated learning. Many people now
go through two, three, or more marriages in a lifetime, and participate
in many more relationships. We may have judged ourselves harshly
for having several mates or numerous relationships, and we may
believe that there is something wrong with us for failing the
societal expectation of staying with one person for a lifetime.
But . . . What happens to you is not as important as what you
make of it.
To
find peace, reframe your opinion of how you or life "should" be.
You are, and have been, on your right path. What you thought
was wrong with you may be what is right with you. In wisdom you
chose to go through a number of significant relationships so
you could master many lessons in a short period of time. You
have not missed your destiny; you are in the process of fulfilling
it. If you lived in an earlier century, your relationships would
have told quite a different story and brought you very different
lessons. You would have married one person for a lifetime, lived
in one town, worked in one vocation, attended one church, and
adopted one belief system. Your life would have been slower and
simpler - as would your learning.
In
those days, it might have taken you an entire lifetime to master
the lessons of a relationship with a particular person. Now,
the pace and purpose of our relationships is different. Rather
than marrying for survival, economic, social, or political expedience
- and being assigned to a spouse by your parents, priest, or
an astrologer - we marry for love, romance, companionship, communication,
sexual expression, and spiritual growth - of our own free will.
These
higher ideals and increased levels of personal responsibility
call forth all kinds of issues that marrying for survival never
touched on. In greater soul maturity, we have taken on deeper,
richer, more subtle, and more varied lessons. In accordance with
our curriculum, our life changes call us to face our fears, confront
our unconsciousness, and bring light to the shadow selves we
have chosen to master. Several marriages or many relationships
in a lifetime are not necessarily signs of weakness; they may
be an indication of your dedication to discover greater truths
about who you are and what you are here to do. If, at the end
of your life, you are a wiser person for your relationship experiences,
they have all been worth it. And . . . If you have learned to
love, you have fulfilled your highest purpose.
No
matter how many relationships you have gone through, marriages
you have ended, or mistakes you have made, never define yourself
as a loser. Instead, be grateful for the awareness you have gained,
and be proud of yourself for your bravery in learning by doing.
Recognize
that you are not the person you were 20 years, or even 20 days,
ago. Remember that the Big Picture is unfolding perfectly even
if you do not see it in a given moment. Real learning usually
occurs gradually - rarely overnight. You are always adding to
your wisdom. When you disown your identity as a loser and adopt
that of a learner, you are on your way to being a master.
One
day you will discover that everything that has happened to you
has been an element in your awakening to the beauty in you and
around you. Then you will be able to bless all experiences and
honor everyone who assisted you to grow.
Authors
Details:Alan
Cohen
Alan Cohen is the author of 15 popular inspirational books, including the award-winning A
Deep Breath of Life.
The
Authors Web Site |
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