Boy
this sounds like a loaded question. A question that I have been
spending quality time asking myself. And you know what? I still
don’t know the answer.
I
see adults ranging in all ages with life experiences that have
either brought them into relationships or out of relationships.
I see some that are quite content being alone and others that
appear to make a relationship look easy. Some people have married
and now are not and some have never taken "the plunge".
I’ve
spent a majority of my life gauging what is right for me by what
I see society doing. Well, more what my circles of friends or
exposures I’ve witnessed seem to dictate as not only acceptable
but preferable. I’ve processed these types of stimuli by seeing
if it is something I consider inline with my morals and principles,
if I can see myself in that situation and does it meet my goals.
Of
course I too have been victim to rationalizing when it comes
to this process and have no one to blame but myself for compromising
these personal meters. After living 31 years I now have discovered
that my worst enemy hasn’t been life or others – but myself.
I always wanted to be a Pleaser. In fact I felt best in this
role. I like harmony and peace. I shy at confrontation or disagreement.
In fact you’ll find me usually the first to apologize even when
one isn’t needed.
Going
through the journey I have in the last year has opened up many
doors for me. Inner-self doors. It’s truly been an amazing road.
And the true delight is knowing that it will never end. Only
by my choosing – and I choose not to. The location of my journey
currently has found me wondering if I am relationship material.
I
sometimes think – I think too much. But I feel this question
is vital to my future. If I’m to discover that I am not relationship
material than I want to learn to accept it and be comfortable.
I don’t want what isn’t mine to have. It’s much more satisfying
to be grateful for all the blessings I do have than to want what
I can’t have. My counselor asked me why I don’t think I am relationship
material. It’s quite hard to express; it’s more of a feeling.
I wonder if we’re all given our relationship token and if we
choose to use it frivolously than the repercussion is that that’s
it, no "but that one was defected" excuse to get another.
I
feel like I’m on that carousel ride and I used my token on my
marriage and when I failed at that the attendant said "I’m sorry
Miss but you used your only token, this ride is closed." I doubt
my ability to enjoy the kind of relationship I want because I
failed at something that was pretty important to me. Something
that I held a lot of respect and worked quite hard to keep.
A
marriage and two beautiful daughters, my dreams come true – or
so I thought. Of course I must confess that at 19 years old I
thought I knew what I wanted for the rest of my life. Well I
did, but what I didn’t consider was how much I would change with
maturity. I really enjoy the self-awareness and spirituality
of spending this time with myself. I seek to learn more about
myself and how I interact with people, how I’m influenced, how
I process my choices, and how can I, if possible, be relationship
material.
Even
though I failed at my marriage I know that married life is where
I want to be. I want to enjoy the love, passion, respect, security,
trust, friendship, intimacy and compassion that marriage represents.
Well not all marriages represent those qualities but my personal
definition does. I want a man in my life that looks to me to
share his high and low for the day. I want to be the one person
in his life that he knows fail-safe will always be there for
him.
That
I will be the one that he wants to rush to share his successes,
his failures, his silly moments, his secrets, and his vulnerable
side. I never want to be invisible again to the man I love. I
always viewed marriage to be a bond between two people that if
built properly would weather any storm and come out stronger.
But now I doubt if these views are too idealistic and not obtainable
- making me a relationship disaster. I’m considering that it
may come down to expectations. Are my expectations too high?
Are they absurd? Am I simply ungrateful for the level of participation
one wants to share in a relationship with me?
I
read once that just because someone doesn’t love you the way
you want him or her to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with
all he or she has. The struggle I’m left to face for now is how
do I balance what I believe to be important in a relationship
and hold true to myself that isn’t unrealistic? This can’t be
answered over night or found on a fortune cookie. It’s all a
part of the journey; a journey that if I trust will not fail
me. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person that thinks this
way. Do I have too much time on my hands? Am I just being an
insecure impatient person? That’s probably it. Mix that with
an over-achiever who has something to prove to herself and now
we’re talking volumes.
Am
I relationship material? I think we all naturally assume at some
stage in our lives that yes we are. Of course we are. Why wouldn’t
we be? There are millions of people out there – we must be compatible
with a few. The one thing I have learned that will forever remain
true for me - I cannot make someone love me. All I can do is
be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
| Authors
Details:
Tracie
Ann Robinson
Tracie
Ann Robinson is a woman on a mission of self discovery.
She was recently divorced having been married her whole
adult life. She is now discovering, within herself and
others, some of the more obvious mannerisms women have. Tracie's
Website |
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