Love Relationships
- Loving Without Losing Yourself
You are in love and it feels
wonderful. This love is different and you are prepared to
do anything to make it last. To prevent this ship from sinking,
you work hard to steer this relationship into a safe harbor.
In the process, you lose yourself and your romantic relationship
becomes all-consuming!
When Kyra fell head-over-heels
for Dan, she went out of her way to create a wonderful relationship.
She found herself at hockey games, watching horror movies,
at parties with his friends and on vacations with his family.
At home, things were not much
different. Kyra cooked his favorite meals, kept house the
way he wanted and listened to music of his choice. On Dan’s
advice, Kyra cut her hair short, wore less make-up and a conservative
wardrobe. She had even given up her night classes because
they cut into their dinnertime. For Dan, this relationship
was perfect. In an effort to not disappoint him, Kyra lived
in constant anxiety. She had adapted to his lifestyle, defended
his views and even began to talk like him. Kyra’s friends
witnessed her change from a spirited and happy woman to a
subdued and pleasing personality. This relationship had sucked
the life out of Kyra, yet she was the last to notice.
While compromise in a relationship
is a necessary ingredient for it’s success, denying
the core of who you are is not. When you finally realize that
an all-consuming relationship is depleting you, there will
be nothing left but resentment. It will be difficult to reclaim
yourself while remaining in that same relationship. The outcome
of such a relationship is usually a heart-breaking crisis,
with no one but you to blame.
The opposite of an all-consuming
relationship is a half-hearted relationship. In this relationship
you withhold affection until the evidence is in that the other
is hooked. I love you if you love me first has become a common
trend. Fearing that you will give more love than you receive,
you put your partner on probation and control the power in
this relationship. You judge according to your expectations
and keep track of his or her scores. The higher the scores,
the more you are willing to reward with love. This conditional
view creates tremendous emotional insecurity.
All-consuming or halfhearted
love relationships are very unnatural and unhealthy. Ironically,
both types are guided by fear. In an all-consuming relationship,
fear of not being loved is the driving force. In a halfhearted
relationship, fear of being hurt prevents you from knocking
down protective walls.
Is there a happy medium? To
love wholeheartedly without losing yourself requires a very
different perspective of relationships. Even though you know
that relationships require work, deep down you cling to a
sweet illusion that meeting the right person is all it takes.
You will then take off on your magic carpet ride. Think again!
Soon that magic rug will be pulled from underneath you.
If you long for a partner
who is wholeheartedly behind you, ask yourself, "Are
you the same partner? Do you give that which you seek in your
relationship?" Ironically, many lack the qualities they
seek in their partners. Listen to your heart and when it feels
right, feel the fear and love anyway. Love without hesitation
and with all you heart. Don’t let your fear of rejection
or getting hurt kill your desires or steal your dreams. You
may have stared in the face of love before and maybe chickened-out.
Next time, don’t be a chicken!
If you are in a relationship
of love, here is a universal truth: Love is choice, and if
you choose it wholeheartedly, you are never going to lose
it. Love teaches you to become a better human being. Restore
your faith in love and become emotionally available to each
other. Put your fears and your past behind you and become
lovable by being loving. Learn to trust by trusting yourself.
Surrendering to love does
not mean losing yourself. Yet, even when it is safe to open
your heart, you may feel weakened by the anxiety that this
love will disappear.
When in love, how do you preserve
your identity and course in life? Here is the number one reason
for losing yourself in a relationship: Your belief that love
is something you either deserve or not! This misguided belief
leads you toward counterproductive efforts to do almost anything
to get love and even more to hold onto it...
· You modify your identity
to gain approval and love from your partner.
· You hold back intimacy to protect your vulnerability.
· You have a need to manipulate your partner.
There is nothing you have
to be or do to earn love. When it is love, there is very little
you can do to destroy it. If you can believe that, you will
accept that...
· You can be loved
even if you are not perfect
· You can be loved while keeping your course in life
· You can be loved without getting lost in love
Love is the most powerful
human lesson you will ever learn. It is a purposeful interdependence
through which you become so much more than on your own. Once
you can understand that love is not something to be found,
rather, it is in you to be shared, you can love wholeheartedly
without fear. Don’t turn your back on love every time
it touches you, because when you give up on love you give
up on yourself.
| Authors Details: Love Relationships
- Allie Ochs - Web
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