If
you are to utilize guidance to find a soulmate, the first thing
you need to do is learn to tell the difference between the voice
of your inner teacher and that of your ego.
This
is not really difficult, since your guide and your ego espouse
entirely different thought systems. Indeed, cultures throughout
the world seem to resonate with the idea that there is a high-minded
influence within us that argues in favor of love, humility, and
forgiveness, and that it is opposed by another that urges us
to be egotistical, selfish, and judgmental.
The
cartoons of my childhood, for example, depicted what I am calling
ego as a little red devil whispering malicious advice into a
character's left ear, while a winged and haloed angel representing
guidance spoke words of generosity and tolerance in the other.
Guide's
Thinking Differs from Ego's
The simplest way to explain the difference between your guide's perspective
and that of your ego is to say that the former believes that love is real and
fear is not, while the latter believes that fear is real and love is not. It
may surprise you to learn that your ego doesn't believe that love really exists,
but it's true. Just think! When you allow your ego to direct your search for
love, you are actually asking the only thing in the universe that doesn't know
what love is, to find it for you. Talk
about letting the inmates run the asylum!
How
is it that our false self knows nothing about love? Well, that's
the way we designed it. From a metaphysical perspective, the
human mind invents an ego for the purpose of making love seem
unreal.
And
just why would we want to do such a silly thing? A number of
spiritual traditions suggest that it is because God is love.
They say we wanted to forget about our Creator for a while, so
that we could play at being creators ourselves. And since everything
that God creates is a perfect reflection of divine love, the
only way we could generate an experience that would be uniquely
our own was to make up an imperfect world where love's opposite
-- fear -- would appear to rule.
Thus,
fear is our own original contribution to an otherwise loving
universe.The ego's problem is that any experience of love, however
attenuated, threatens to trigger our memory of reality, and spoil
the game we came here to play. Its job is to make sure that doesn't
happen. Thus, we might compare the ego to the weight belt a scuba
diver dons to counteract her natural buoyancy. If a diver took
off her weight belt, she would quickly bob back up to the surface.
If you and I released identification with our ego, we would quickly
bob back up into reality; where it would be apparent that love
is everywhere.
As
long as we prefer to remain immersed in frightening illusions,
our ego is necessary to filter every trace of love out of our
perceptions -- no mean feat in a universe made entirely of love!
The
fact is that whenever we genuinely care for anyone, we do bob
back into reality, although usually only briefly. That's why
being in love is so heavenly! It's like an all-expenses-paid
vacation from fear. Our ego has to be extremely vigilant to nip
this sort of thing in the bud. It knows very well that once we
start loving, there is no telling where it might end. Today your
dog or cat -- tomorrow the world!
Why
Egos Seek Love
You'd
think that if our false self is so intent upon preventing us from
experiencing love, it would actively discourage our search for
it, but this is not the case. Our ego doesn't just warn us not
to trust those who care for us; it also inveighs against the horrors
of a lonely old age. Indeed, far from being indifferent to love,
our false self often seems almost obsessively concerned with finding
it. To
hear our ego tell it, no real happiness is possible in life until
we unite with that "special someone" who alone can validate our
worth, give meaning to our lives, and solve all our earthly problems.
What
we need to understand is that our ego knows perfectly well that
love is the only thing we really want or need. This leaves it
with no alternative but to become embroiled in our search for
a soulmate. If it said what it thinks -- that love doesn't really
exist, and only fear is real -- we would very quickly see the
absurdity of searching for fulfillment within a loveless illusion.
At that point, our ego's whole world of distressing possibilities
would be canceled for lack of interest -- and our ego along with
it!
No,
our false self can't induce us to remain in illusion by ignoring
our desire for love. None of us is so deluded that we'd put up
with that! So instead, it carries out its mission by offering
to show us how to find love, and then making sure that we never
do. Like a carnival scam artist, our ego assures us that there
is no reason for us not to win the romantic jackpot on our very
next try. But somehow it never seems to work out that way. There
is actually no "danger" at all of finding a soulmate as long
as we play the game by our ego's rules.
How
can our false self guarantee that we will not stumble upon true
love despite its interference? It can't. But what it can do is
make it very difficult for us to recognize what we've found.
Egos render love "invisible" in much the same way Siegfried and
Roy make tigers disappear on stage in Las Vegas -- through the
skillful misdirection of attention. First our false self reassigns
the name "love" to something that poses no threat to it, and
then it keeps us so busy searching for the wrong thing that we
wouldn't notice the right one, even if we tripped over it.
I'll
say more about the love substitute our ego keeps us searching
for, but for now, let me just call it conditional love or infatuation.
When your ego offers to help you find "love," it doesn't mean
real love -- the unconditional kind that fills you, and those
around you, with lasting joy and satisfaction. To find that kind
of love you'd have to abandon your ego and relate only with your
soul. No, the kind of love your ego has in mind for you is something
quite different. Once you've become deeply embroiled in the search
for it, your gaze will pass right over the real thing without
a glimmer of recognition.
You
see, the human romantic dilemma isn't that true love is so very
hard to find, but that it is too ordinary to withstand comparison
with the exotic illusions our ego offers in its place. In the
same way that diamonds seem precious while the pure water we
need in order to survive doesn't, we take love for granted and
strain after the impossibly beautiful substitute our ego offers
in its stead. Infatuation ravishes our senses, and seems to promise
gratification beyond our wildest dreams. Unfortunately, when
we mistake it for the genuine article, we slowly starve for love
even as we seem to gorge ourselves on it. Real love is actually
a pretty pedestrian affair, characterized by simple virtues like
patience, forgiveness, tolerance, humor, gentleness, empathy,
tact, honesty, discipline, and practical support. It is not heralded
by a state of breathless exaltation, but by a sense of peaceful
contentment. Chances are you've had many opportunities in your
life for "true love" that you passed up without a backward glance.
The "Special" Relationship
A Course in Miracles contrasts the special relationship -- which is based upon
infatuation -- with the holy relationship, which is grounded in real love.
Special relationships are all about how love is supposed to be. In pursuit
of them, we do our best to achieve a union where everything looks perfect,
regardless of the way it feels. The ego's fantasy of "special love" involves
a partner so obviously desirable that he or she reflects glory on us every
time we are seen together. A suitably romantic courtship, during which
both parties do a flawless portrayal of people in love, culminates in a
fairy-tale perfect wedding. Then the lucky couple goes off to live happily
ever after in the local equivalent of a palace, producing beautiful, trouble-free,
high-achieving children, who reflect well on their parents. It will all
be just perfect -- as long as everyone does their damndest to keep up appearances.
Unfortunately,
concern with the outward appearance of a relationship always
comes at the expense of content. It is exhausting to hold a pose
for five minutes, much less a lifetime, and however "perfect" special
relationships look from the outside, they leave the participants
feeling empty and alone. Both know that they are valued only
for the act they can put on, and that any attempt to reveal their
true selves will be regarded as a breach of contract. As the
Course points out, the special relationship is a very impressive
frame, but the picture it holds is dark and depressing. Holy
relationships (think wholesome relationships if you find the
religious connotation off-putting) are achieved only when we
forget about the frame (the way our union appears to others,
all the social and material advantages it does or doesn't offer),
and focus instead upon content (the glorious way it feels to
be with someone we truly enjoy).
The
holy relationships soulmates work to create don't necessarily
look like anything out of the ordinary. Your friends aren't going
to drop dead with envy when you walk into a room on the arm of
a man or woman whose chief appeal lies is the fact that he or
she really understands who you are, shares your enthusiasms,
and enjoys hanging out with you. But being with such a person
feels marvelous! You can finally stop smiling for the camera,
let your belt out a notch or two, and be yourself. Are you beginning
to see what I mean about real love being too ordinary to compete
with our ego's dreams of achieving glory through the conquest
of a very special partner?
In
interviewing couples for this book, I've been repeatedly struck
by the way people seem to reserve hyperbole for individuals who
appeal to their egos. When soulmates describe their early impressions
of each other, "nice" is the adjective that crops up most frequently.
Nice feels awfully good, but it is of no use whatsoever to our
ego in its quest for glory.
In
closing, I'd like to point out one other interesting feature
of soulmate relationships -- the way everything else seems to
fall into place once we make love our first priority. The Bible
says, "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven, and all else shall
be added unto you."
The
literal truth of this statement is repeatedly demonstrated in
soulmate unions where someone gives up "everything" for love,
and then winds up getting it all anyway. Karen, for example,
thought she needed a man who was rich and successful. By choosing
to love and marry her soulmate, despite the fact that he was
poor and unsuccessful, that's exactly what she got. Invest in
the picture that brings you joy, and the universe may just throw
in the frame for free!
GUIDELINES
FOR ACTUALIZING A SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP
1.
Look for the sort of person you'd want as a best friend even
if you weren't attracted to her or him sexually.
2.
Don't cultivate a relationship with someone "superior" whose
love appears to "elevate" you in some way, but with an equal
you enjoy.
3.
Remember that your soul won't be satisfied with anything less
than true love. Accept no substitutes!
| Authors
Details:
Carolyn
Godschild Miller
Carolyn
Miller
has been a licensed clinical psychologist since 1984 with a thriving practice
in Los Angeles. She
is the author of Creating Miracles: Understanding the Experience
of Divine Intervention and
Soulmates: Following Inner Guidance to the Relationship of Your Dreams. Dr.
Miller, along with her soulmate and husband, Arnold Weiss,
Ph.D., are founding directors of the Los Angeles-based
Foundation and Institute for the Study of A Course in Miracles,
a nonprofit organization dedicated to spiritual psychotherapy and education
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