"Every
problem comes to you with a gift in its hands."
Richard Bach
A
third party has no power to break up a healthy relationship.
No one can come between you and your partner unless something
has already come between you and your partner. A mate having
an affair is not the cause of a breakup; it is a symptom of
a breakdown in the fabric of the primary relationship.
From
the Big Love perspective, an affair is not a cause for condemnation
of self or other; it can be the most valuable wakeup call of
a lifetime. The most important question to ask of a partner
who has strayed is: "What were you looking for that you
were not finding in your primary relationship?"
There
are two possible answers:
(1)
What he wanted was available at home, but he did not have the
vision, willingness, or ability to see and claim it. Perhaps
he bumped up against a fear of intimacy, or he did not have
the communication skills or emotional depth to work through
the issues; or
(2)
the home relationship simply did not have the substance for
longevity, the partners were not (or are no longer) well matched,
or the relationship was in some way toxic. The affair, then,
was an unconscious statement that something was not right with
the primary relationship.
In
either case, the affair coming to light is a blessing. If the
love at home was real, both partners now have the opportunity
to go deeper, tell more truth, heal the issues that were troubling
them, and create a partnership that transcends what both were
settling for. Like a broken bone, when a fractured relationship
heals, it grows stronger than it was before the break, strongest
at the point where it knit. If there was not a lot of substance
to the relationship in the first place, or the partners grew
irrevocably in different directions, it is probably a blessing
that one partner took the step to leave.
The
affair set into motion a series of events that forced you to
to tell more truth and ultimately freed both of you to get
on with your lives. Granted, it would have been more gentle
if the person who strayed came forward with direct communication,
but, as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Our
bodies communicate what our words do not, and if your wife
took her body to another man's bed, she is making a statement
that cannot be denied.
The
only thing worse than an affair that comes to light is an affair
that does not come to light. Yes, there was pain and upset
in the aftermath of the revelation, but consider the alternative:
You could have gone on for many years trudging through a half-relationship,
your issues buried and your hearts weeping, never confronting
the issues that were slowly killing you. Rejoice that you can
now take the next step toward going deeper with each other,
or moving apart. At least you have the truth on your side now.
Don't waste a moment blaming the third party.
Who
he is, or how she connected with you or your partner, and the
details of the drama are of little importance in the face of
the gifts and lessons available to you and your partner. Truth
be told, it could have been anyone. If you or your partner
wanted to leave, there are millions of people to run to, and
if it wasn't Sally or John, it would have been Sue or Bill.
The name, face, and story are far less significant than the
who. And if there have been several or more outside partners,
it really doesn't matter, for in such a case you can see quite
clearly that the behavior was about the mate who strayed, not
the third parties.
Meanwhile,
the third party has her own inner work to do. Why she would
choose to get involved with someone who is married or in a
relationship is something she needs to look at and come to
terms with. But one thing is clear: That is none of your business.
The
less time and energy you spend analyzing, judging, or punishing
the partner who strayed or the third party, the more time and
energy you will have to make the experience work on behalf
of your own growth and the evolution of your relationship.
Attempting to blame a third party is a tactic of distraction
that takes the spotlight off of you and your partner. Bring
your introspection back home, for it is there that you will
find healing. An individual who is satisfied in a relationship
cannot be seduced, nor will she seek diversions. There may
be momentary attractions, but if you and your partner have
a Big Love and the willingness to connect in depth, the fulfillment
both of you seek is present and available.
Commitment
is not something you create by saying words; it is an experience
of the heart, and passing flirtations have no power over Big
Love. There is a principle in organic gardening that is true
of relationships: Pests are less likely to attack plants that
are growing in healthy soil. You can administer all kinds of
pesticides or organic deterrents, but your best defense against
intruders is to nourish the soil from which the plant derives
its essential nutrients. Given a healthy foundation, plants
develop a natural immune system superior to external additives.
Translated
into human relationship, the best way to ensure a committed
relationship is to keep feeding your partnership with truth,
love, and intimacy. These attributes are not ones that you
should expect to get from your partner (although you do): they
are investments you make in your relationship.
The
quickest route to hell in a relationship is to expect your
partner to fill your emptiness, and the most direct way to
heaven is to give what you want to receive. You only receive
what you give, and you receive it in the giving. So it comes
to this: you can thank and bless the third party as your teacher
and awakener. Certainly this was not their intention, but it
is the gift you choose to make of him or her. The third party
pointed out aspects of yourself, your partner, and your relationship
that you may never have discovered, or at least not for a long,
long time.
Bless
and release the third party and get on with the business of
building the kind of relationship you truly desire. Use the
affair to create a Big Love with your partner that goes far
beyond what shaky love offered, or use the affair to deepen
loving yourself or create a more meaningful partnership with
another at a later time. Everything serves, and an affair is
no exception.
Authors
Details: Alan
Cohen
Alan Cohen is the author of 15 popular inspirational books, including the award-winning A
Deep Breath of Life.
The
Authors Web Site |
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