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Self-Esteem: You Are Not Who You Think You Are
David sat in front of me at
one of my five-day intensive workshops. A successful businessman
with a wife and two grown children, David believed that he
was not good enough. His self esteem
was suffering.
“I’m insufficient,” he said.
“I’m inadequate.”
I looked at this kind man
and felt deep sadness for him. He did not know who he was.
“Why do you believe that?”
I asked.
“I didn’t do well in school,
and I’ve made lots of mistakes in my life.”
“So you are basing your worth
or your self esteem on your performance, right?”
“Of course.”
David could not conceive of
any other way of defining his worth other than through his
performance – which he never saw as good enough.
I asked David to look inside
– at the essence of himself - and tell me what he sees. All
he saw was emptiness.
“David, please close your
eyes. Now imagine a wonderful being who loves you very much.
Who comes to mind?”
“My grandfather. He died when
I was young, but he really loved me.”
“Good. Now imagine that you
are seeing yourself through the eyes of your grandfather.
What does your grandfather see when he looks at you?”
“He sees a bright and creative
little boy, who is very kind and caring. A loving little boy.
A little boy who is funny and likes to laugh, and likes to
make other people laugh.”
“Is there anything wrong with
this little boy? Anything inadequate or insufficient?”
“Oh no! He is a wonderful
little boy.”
“David, this is who you really
are. You are not your performance. Your performance will come
and go and at some point you might retire and not perform
at all. Yet that does not mean that you are, therefore, worthless.
Your worth is in who you are, not in what you do. Your worth
in intrinsic.”
David realized that, because
of his highly critical and rejecting parents, he had always
been trying to prove himself and always came up short in their
eyes. As a result of seeing himself as unworthy and inadequate,
he did not treat himself well. He treated himself the way
his parents had treated him – with criticism and neglect.
He was always trying to take care of everyone else, but rarely
thought about taking care of himself. He was constantly abandoning
himself emotionally, just as he had been emotionally abandoned
by his parents.
“David, if you chose to see
yourself as your grandfather saw you rather than how your
parents saw you, how would you feel about yourself and how
would you treat yourself?”
“I’ve just been thinking about
that. I just realized that I treat my dog better than I treat
myself! I would never judge my dog the way I judge myself.”
“So what would you do differently
if you saw yourself the way your grandfather sees you?”
“I would stop judging myself
as insufficient and inadequate. I’m a really good person.
I am not at all insufficient or inadequate as a person. And
I choose my friends based on who they are as people – not
on their performance. So I obviously value the very qualities
that I possess!”
“What else would you do if
you really valued who you are?”
“I would listen to my own
feelings and take care of my own needs instead of taking care
of everyone else’s feelings and needs. I would no longer see
it as selfish to take care of myself instead of taking care
of everyone else. I would be at least as attentive to myself
as I am to my dog!”
David was glowing. He was
discovering who he really is, not who he thought he was.
People often think that their
worth and self esteem – who they really are – is based on
looks and performance. Yet these qualities are transitory.
What is real and eternal is who you are in your heart and
soul. If you shift your definition of your worth from outer
to inner, you will stop trying to prove yourself. You will
know that you are already a beautiful being, totally deserving
of love.
| Authors Details: Self Esteem - Margaret
Paul, Ph.D Web
Site |
More Articles On Self Esteem
(Building
Self Esteem)
(Improving Low Self Esteem)
(Self-Esteem: You Are Not Who You Think You Are)
(How To Cultivate Your Self Esteem) |
