Beautiful
thoughts make beautiful lives, for every word and deed lies in
the thought that prompted it, as the flowers lie in the seed.
A.E.Godfrey
It's
your thoughts that determine your future. Focus on what you want
instead of what you don't want. Your
physical world as you see it now is the result of your thoughts.
Your thoughts yesterday, created your today.
You
have been reading about how you should focus on what you want
rather than your fears and worries. This month we will take the
concept even further. Some of you are not only focusing on fears
and worries but are spending time and mountains of emotional energy
focusing on what you can't change.
I
mean other people. You can only change you.
You
can learn and apply so many things to your life and this series
of articles is designed to give you an insight into yourself therefore
allowing you to make changes.
You
need to focus on yourself to create the things you want and the
situations that are beneficial to you. When your focus is on others
you attempt to change them. If your peace of mind depends on what
others say and do then you are in for a bumpy ride.
Just
recently I had a discussion with a client, lets call her Mary.
(I am a business and lifestyle coach)
Mary
was in a difficult situation. The same situation is mirrored in
some of the emails I get from the readers of Spiritual.com.au.
This
is Mary's story. I will start with some facts to set the scene.
- Mary
has a boyfriend (Lets call him Fred) and they love each other.
- Fred
has children to another woman (lets call her Dorothy)
- Fred's
children are under the age of ten.
- Fred
sees his children at least once per week.
- He
sometimes drops into Dorothy's house to, as he says, 'check on
the children'.
- Dorothy
wants Fred back and she has made this clear to Fred.
- Fred
does NOT want to go back to Dorothy.
Mary
is extremely emotional, unhappy and upset. She is scared and anxious
in regard to Fred going back to Dorothy. Mary also fears and distrusts
Dorothy because Dorothy has made it clear that she wants Fred back.
Dorothy has made overt attempts to win Fred back.
Mary
thinks that the cause of all her emotion and upset is both Fred
and Dorothy.
There
are several issues that Mary needs to look at.
Emotions
Emotions
are your own. They are not caused by other people. They are the
result of your own thought process in regards to events that you
experience.
Their
purpose is to show you the way in regards to the way you are processing
experiences. From emotions you can see where you are processing
experience incorrectly. The experience allows you to have the emotion
and this in turn allows you to correct the underlying thought pattern.
The
cause of Mary's emotions are the way she interprets the events she
is witnessing.
Fear
Your
fear is an emotion. Fear comes from thoughts that involve the future
loss of something that you have decided to be valuable. Fear is
only possible if you extrapolate a line of thought into the future
and determine that you will experience the loss. You do this because
of past events. There is often no reason for it to happen in the
future.
Past
events do not determine what the future holds. You can overcome
this by realizing what you are thinking. Watch your thoughts. If
you don't see them you cant do anything about them.
Fear,
the emotion does not stop you doing anything. It just means that
you have a bodily sensation that you know as the emotion of fear.
Many people function and participate in events that create fear.
It's your decision if you allow fear to stop you.
Focus
on what you want
You
have the ability to focus your thoughts on whatever you wish. Try
it now. Think about tennis, now think about your furniture. It's
that easy. In order for you to hold those thoughts on any one thing
you need to exercise the process. Exercise concentration.
In
this case the fear is built on some assumptions. Mary is holding
her thoughts on these points.
1.
Fred will leave.
2.
Dorothy is likely to win Fred back.
3.
Dorothy, because of the children has more to offer than Mary does.
Another
person in a similar situation may not experience fear because their
thoughts run like this,
1.
Fred loves me and will stay with me.
2.
Dorothy is unlikely to win Fred back because of their history together.
3.
I have more to offer Fred than Dorothy does.
Impossible
to determine fact from fiction. It is all opinion and perspective.
It possible to focus on a particular line of thinking.
Personal
boundaries
Everyone
has personal boundaries.
Physical
boundaries are easy to see. If someone sits to close to you, you
feel uncomfortable and you look and see that physically someone
is too close. You move away.
Other
types of boundaries are harder to see because
1.
You have not defined them.
Physically
this is like being invisible. Someone sits too close but they don't
know because they can't see you.
2.
You have not enforced them.
Physically
this is like NOT moving away when you feel uncomfortable with someone
siting too close.
In
Mary's case defining a boundary involved telling Fred that it is
unacceptable for him to continually drop into Dorothy's house, Fred
was involved with her now and the relationship with Dorothy was
over. Fred has many opportunities to see his children without Dorothy
present and away from Dorothy's home.
Defining
a boundary only works if you enforce it. In this case Mary said
that she was prepared to leave Fred if his behavior did not change.
Fortunately for them both the situation did not progress that far.
Mary and Fred successfully communicated after weeks of deliberation
on Mary's part. When Mary explained what she was felt was inappropriate
behavior Fred listened. Fred realized that he was treating both
parties unfairly. He was encouraging Dorothy by sending the wrong
signals and he was creating unnecessary cause for suspicion to Mary.
If
your defined boundary is repeatedly crossed then your only option
after communicating this fact may be to leave the relationship.
Self
Esteem
Self
Esteem is an opinion. An opinion is an evaluation and it is subjective.
Your self esteem is based on your past. To form the opinion you
have on yourself you may select any series of thoughts that you
wish. So choose some good thoughts that build your self esteem.
Mary
was thinking a series of negative thoughts that led her to believe
she was not as valuable as Dorothy.
One
of the underlying sponsoring thoughts was - Mothers are valuable.
This
then led to some other thoughts that were built on the first.
Dorothy
is a mother and I am not, therefor she has more value.
Fred
must see that Dorothy is a mother and a mother of his children therefore
Fred sees Dorothy as more valuable than me.
These
types of thoughts led Mary to devalue herself.
Once
Mary observed her own thinking process she was able to successfully
climb out from this destructive cycle.
Communication
You
need to communicate what you feel to your partner. Without communication
Mary was caught in a thinking loop. Continually thinking thoughts
in regard to a future that may never happen. Communication with
Fred cleared up some area's of concern very quickly and could have
saved her weeks of thinking.
Mary
was unable to communicate with Fred because her thoughts prevented
it. She projected into the future
1.
A Fred who would not listen.
2.
A Fred that valued Dorothy's company more than her own.
3.
A Fred that wanted to go back to his old life.
This
created fear. The fear prevented her from communicating.
The
reality was entirely different.
Happiness
Happiness
comes from within, this has become a cliché. Don't let that
stop you from applying and exploring this concept. If you are looking
for someone else to provide your happiness then you will never find
it.
Happiness
is an attitude. An attitude is a leaning in one direction. That
means that you can focus on the best or the worst of your situation.
I mean the situation that you are in now.
You
may not have all that you want but right now in this moment it is
what you have. You can be happy right now.
Happiness
is not about arriving at the right set of circumstances. "I
will be happy when I ...."
Happiness
is about seeing the best in your current circumstances. Your current
circumstances are perfect. They enable you to learn exactly what
you need in order to progress.
To
be happy you just change your focus. Think about all the good things
that you are experiencing not the bad.
Don't
send me an email that says -
"Yeah
sure, I am in a jail in a country that has no civil rights. I am
locked up for ever. I have committed no crime and done nothing wrong
and they torture me for 5 hours per day and restrict my food which
is impossible to eat anyway and they only allow me 10 minutes of
sunshine every week.
If
that is your circumstance and you can not doing anything to change
it then you can still focus on the positive perspective.
You
are alive, not dead, which means you may be released eventually.
You have 19 hours per day without physical pain. There are many
people who as a result of accident or disease are in pain all day.
You are being fed when others are starving. You see the sun every
so often and you get to read when many are illiterate (otherwise
you couldn't read this)
I think
you get the point.
Things
can be a little more complex than what is described in this article.
However when you start observing your thoughts you will see that
behind the complicated projection you create there are some very
simple thoughts and assumptions which you have used for the foundation
of your thought patterns.
It
is possible to predict the future, it depends on what you are thinking. |
